Cannot speak
Or respond to
even normal
conversation
with a stranger
or acquaintance

Cannot look away
even though
eye contact is
so painful
so scary

Feels like an
invasion of
her soul
her personal space
her breath
her words
her voice

She begins to
feel crowded
and she just
wants to go
home or
just back away
or (scream)
Back off!

Feels like
cowering in
a corner
on the floor
chin on her knees
hands on her ears
eyes shut tightly
chest heaving
while her
There’s no place like home
becomes
This is where fake smiles come from

But she’s weak
far too weak
to pretend
To be someone
else
But then again
maybe she’s too
strong

Maybe she’s fine
with who she is
and doesn’t care
one single bit
if people
misjudge her

it wasn’t.

and as if that wasn’t bad enough,

today
i learned that i’ll never be able to
to cross my legs the other way.

so from now on, i guess i’ll
just have to deal with my
right foot falling asleep
all the time.

Ashley

next time i get paid, i’m gonna make me a RIP The Rev shirt

Jessica

aww. i want to make one too. that’s great

i would totally wear it all the time. everytime i was sad

all the time

lol

Ashley

me too. but everytime i was lookin for something to wear and i saw it, i’d cry..so then i’d be sad and wear the shirt…so i’d wear it everytime it was clean

Jessica

lol. still you’d be all. remembering the rev all the time

and he deserves it

btw i stole your afterlife idea. i apologize

lol

i commented back on myspace

Ashley

lol i forgive you

Jessica

good deal

Ashley

the lyrics i put on that thing will probably be on the shirt. his pic on front, that lyric on the back

Jessica

yea. sounds like a good plan

Ashley

we could get matching ones :O

Jessica

good plan. i would totally wear it. then we could walk around the mall and be like yo, everyone. The rev needs respect

lol

Ashley

represent!

Jessica

damn straight

Ashley

lol

i guarantee that by the end of next month i will have every a7x song memorized

Jessica

oh yea. me too. most def

Ashley

my heart hurts

Jessica

mine too. it’ll never be healed.

Ashley

mine either. btw i really wish i knew right now what the band’s plans are at this point

Jessica

me too!

Ashley

i wanna hug them all..but not JUST because of the rev…i mean really…

lol

Jessica

lol. believe me i know

Ashley

lol. k random memory:

my “how to tell if you’re a complete retard” survey..remember?

Jessica

mm?

kinda yea

Ashley

that was the cooliest

Jessica

it was

Ashley

fact: the rev wrote “afterlife”

another fact: it is now his song

Jessica

fact. he wrote and lead vocaled a little piece of heaven

fact it’s always been my fav of the album

Ashley

fact: mine too. lol

another fact: i’m hungry

Jessica

fact: i feel like poop

fact: i’m running on at most three hours of sleep and i’m not tired

Ashley

Fact: i will not sleep tonight

Jessica

fact: i might a little

Ashley

theory: i may have permanent tear stains on my cheeks

theory: i may have permanent tear stains on my cheeks

fact: sorry i posted that twice

Jessica

theory: i think i may never be able to be alright with avenged sevenfold again. everytime i hear them i might fall apart

Ashley

fact: pacia’s baby’s daddy’s name is dusty miller

Jessica

fact: i don’t know who the hell that is

Ashley

fact: me either

Jessica

fact: i love that everything is fact or theory now

Ashley

fact: we sound like a lysol commercial

Jessica

Theory: we are a lysol commercial

Ashley

theory: cameras are watching our every move, listenin to our every word

Jessica

fact: i announce i know you’re listening to empty rooms.

because i’ve either scared the hell out of someone listening or risked nothing by doing it alone

Ashley

fact: everytime i walk, i have to take an even amount of steps, or my entire family will die

Jessica

fact: seriously when i walk outside i miss every crack in the sidewalk. or i will spend the next day feeling icky

fact: i’m pretty sure that’s ocd

Ashley

fact: it is, i do it too.

Jessica

fact: i look crazy walking to class

Ashley

fact: i also have to walk in rhythm to whatever song is stuck in my head. if i’m with michael and he walks either faster or slower, i yell at him

Jessica

lol.

fact: i can’t watch other people walk on cracks without wanting to go back and step over it for them

Ashley

fact: i’m fairly sure that’s all the ocd things i do..which makes me slightly less strange than you

question: will you look at my latest status update and the comment i put with it?

Jessica

fact: i have a few cough many cough more to add.

sure where?

Ashley

fact: it’s on my page

fact: i am now scared to say something without putting fact/theory/question in front of it.

Jessica

theory: that is because if you do you may be pushing the world beyond the limits it can handle

fact: i commented on your status

Ashley

fact: i will go read it

fact: you seriously just freaked me out

Jessica

theory: this is because i’m awesome

Ashley

fact: no it is not (oh snap!)

Jessica

Fact: you know how i freaked you out. but i don’t

theory: you can illuminate me

Ashley

fact: i’m shivering and i do not know why.

theory: it is big brother

fact: i commented you back on my status

Jessica

fact: i commented back.

Theory: big brother freaked you out

Ashley

statement: ok

fact: yes he did

Jessica

fact: having a real convo in just facts and theories is hard.

Ashley

fact: you can also use “question” or “statement” or “demand” or something else

fact: we are officially having 2 conversations, cuz i commented you back

Jessica

lol. go us

Ashley

fact: you forgot the prefix to that statement! you’ve awakened something terrible!

Jessica

theory: once is okay. as long as i sacrifice something soon.

Ashley

question: what are you gonna sacrifice? i’d say the olive green crayon. no one uses it anyway

Jessica

fact: that would only anger the beast

Ashley

question: what will please it?

Jessica

theory: the necronomican

Ashley

statement: that makes me lol

Jessica

Fact: me too.

Ashley

fact: that should’ve said “fact” instead of “statement’…the beast appreciates that i correct myself

fact: i started this form of conversation and it makes me feel awesome

Jessica

Fact: the beast is content with you

Ashley

fact: i am glad

Ashley

fact: after this conversation ends, i’m going to copy and paste this conversation in a note or on my blog or somewhere so people can read it and laugh

Jessica

Fact: as you read this and laugh i am cursing you. The beast knows. The beast hunts.

Fact: the beast will find you

Ashley

fact: i am afraid. i no longer wish to copy and paste the conversation

Jessica

Fact: the you is referring to the reader.

Fact: ashley is in the beast’s good graces for now.

Ashley

statement: ok

fact: cassie just said something to me in chat and i responded in the fact/theory conversation mode

Jessica

Theory: you may have just saved the world

Ashley

fact: that’d make me feel awesome

fact: cassie is angering the beast because she is not talking in fact/theory mode!

Jessica

Statement: dear god

Theory: cassie may die

Fact: i would be sad

Ashley

question: what should we do?

Jessica

exclamation: NOOO!

Ashley

fact: i love my sister and do not wish to lose her to the beast!

Ashley

fact: cassie is angry with facebook cuz it will not let her upload pictures. she says “i’m gonna find some way to blame this on tom”

Jessica

lol she may have to upload the old way

fact: i have had to do that every time.

**reads from the necronomican**

please, beast, forgiive me for speaking out of turn

Ashley

fact: we are the beasts children, so we do not have to make sacrifices to him. he automatically forgives us as long as we correct ourselves

fact: but that is just you and me. nobody else.

Jessica

Fact: we are officially creepy children

Ashley

question: think you could come over some time tomorrow or the next day? because fact: i have a great idea

Jessica

Theory: maybe friday.

quesetion: what is the plan?

Ashley

fact: i think we should get together and make up a rule book for the fact/theory conversation mode

Jessica

exclamation: ooh, we should

Theory: if you don’t post this as a note. I’ma summon the beast to punish you

Ashley

fact: every few minutes i’m copying and pasting the next bit of conversation into Word so i can have the whole thing to put up later

Jessica

fact: you are genious

Ashley

fact: you misspelled that

Jessica

Fact: i know. The beast told me too.

Fact: you never disobey the beast

Ashley

fact: this is true

question: do we have to always talk like this, or just on facebook? fact: i hope it’s just on facebook

Jessica

Statement: we should ask the beast.

Ashley

fact: i will ask him now

Ashley

fact: he said that since we are his children, we do not HAVE to talk like this. we can just do it for our own amusement and to please the beast. not doing it, however, will not displease the beast. but this is only the case for you and me

Jessica

Fact: i too questioned the beast. and he says that we do not have to speak this way. but it would please him if we did have at least one chat in the praising form a week

Fact: the beast is all knowing and brilliant.

Ashley

fact: i agree with you

fact: i came up with a random funny rule for this type of conversation

Jessica

question: what is it

fact; i’m curious

Fact: i’m super excited to see what people have to say

Ashley

fact: the new rule is that when talking in this format, you cannot use contractions if you have the hiccups

fact: it sounded funnier when it was just a thought

Jessica

Fact: it is funny

Theory: it could work

Question: can we use thought as a heading?

Question: are thought and theory the same thing?

Ashley

statment: thank you

Jessica

Fact: i commented back on your status

Ashley

fact: question and thought are different depending on how you word the sentence

Jessica

Statement: i said theory and thought

Ashley

fact: my bad. i guess theory and thought would be the same

question: would you like to come up with a random funny rule?

Jessica

Fact: the slip up can be forgiven if you act quickly

Fact: the beast says we should right the necronomican

Ashley

Fact: unless you meant to put “write” instead of “right”, i do not know what you mean

Jessica

Fact: write the right words

Theory: the beast sounds alot like the masters in the gargoyle.

Theory: we are like marianned Engle

Ashley

fact: i do not want my personal life to be like hers

Jessica

Fact: only in that we follow the leadings of something we believe is real but other people are unable to see

Ashley

question: have you literally laughed out loud at this conversation yet? because fact: i have

Jessica

Fact: yes

Fact: i seriously am wanting to write the necronomican.

Ashley

fact: i am sitting here tryin to think up the rule book

Jessica

Fact: i am trying to decide how we should right the necronomican

Ashley

fact: you should really come over friday. question: should we try to think up a for sure time you can come over?

Jessica

Fact: we should

Ashley

fact: i will be here all day, so the time is completely up to you

Jessica

Theory: i will be there in the afternoon.

Ashley

demand: let me know, text me ahead of time

Jessica

thought: maybe i won’t

Ashley

theory: i may cry

Jessica

Fact: i will be sad

Ashley

theory: the rev would appreciate our creativity in this conversation

Jessica

Fact: you just saddened me.

Fact: the beast says we should dedicate a day for him. and celebrate it as ‘The Rev” day

Ashley

question: what day should it be?

Jessica

statement: i don’t know

Question: his birthday or death day

Ashley

fact: if we make it his death day, we wont be able to celebrate it for a whole year.

fact: if we make it his birthday, it will be the day after my birthday

Jessica

fact: you are correct

Fact: i was totally fixin to say that

Fact: his birthday.

Fact; we should have a birthday party for him too.

Ashley

question: what should we do at the birthday party? something with cake and presents?

Jessica

cake soda and a full on a7x jam out

The beast says it’s okay to talk about the rev day as a plan and not in proper speak

all avenged sevenfold all day

we wear our rev shirts and celebrate

Ashley

should we do something about presents?

Jessica

umm.

Ashley

like, make homemade gifts to exchange?

Jessica

Fact: okay

Ashley

question: how would we do gifts? what should they be?

fact: i just created a group on facebook about this holiday

Jessica

Fact: i should be a co-owner yo

fact: the beast is not happy with you

Ashley

question: why is this?

Jessica

Fact: we should be co-owners. we are his children

Fact: my feelings are crushed

Ashley

fact: we are co-owners

question: why are your feelings crushed?

Jessica

question: are you sure?

Ashley

fact: yes

fact: but i do not know how to edit the page to show it…

Jessica

fact: you better figure it out

Fact: or i will cry

Ashley

fact: i will try to figure it out as soon as i finish sending invitations

Jessica

Theory; i think i might die

Ashley

question: why?

Jessica

Theory: i don’t think i can wait to be co owner

Ashley

fact: you wont have to if you’ll accept the invitation i sent you so i can add you as the co-owner

Jessica

oh

Fact: i joined

Ashley

fact: i will add you as a co-owner

Jessica

fact: i am happy

Ashley

fact: you should be. you are officially co-owner

Jessica

yay

Ashley

now we need to upload pictures and stuff

Jessica

yes

Ashley

fact: i put up 2: a picture of you and me, and the tribute i made to the rev

Jessica

Fact: you are brilliant

Ashley

fact: i agree

Ashley

fact: i am lookin on google and savin pics of the rev to upload

Jessica

Fact: I would. but i’m fixing to go to bed.

fact: the beast says we have lots of work to do

Ashley

fact: the rev is now infinite

Jessica

fact; the rev was destined to be infinite

Ashley

question: so why is it such a sad thing?

Jessica

Question: what?

Ashley

answer: the rev’s infinity

Jessica

Answer; because to become inifinite he had to leave us. Only his memory is infinite

Fact: It is sad to lose greatness

Ashley

fact: yes it is. i definitely agree

fact: I am getting on here so you, me, and the beast can get some sleep

Jessica

Fact: I was totally going to say

*that

Ashley

fact: i may make another group on here dedicated to this conversation format and the beast

Jessica

fact; the beast doesn’t sleep

Ashley

fact: he does rest, though

Jessica

Fact: the beast slumbers. So that his presence is always near

-fact: Jessica and I then decided to say our “goodnights” and get off facebook to go to bed

You may as well diagnose yourself
With Munchausen Syndrome. If you’re going to
Go that far, you might want to be sure the
Other person cares enough to fake it along with you.
But you’re not healing your wounds, you’re just
Pulling down your sleeves. Always tell the truth.

The difference between bruised and burned
Is how it is applied.
Whether physical or emotional, one must learn
The feeling will subside.

Only the malignant bruises are permanent, remember.
Otherwise, you’re just dwelling in the past.
Give it time. Brush it off. The dead skin will fall off
and be replaced. The new skin will start off pink and
sensitive. You’ve just got to be careful and let it
breathe. Be patient.

The difference between skin and bones
Is nothing. They are quite the same.
They can be ripped and broken from sticks and stones
And be the center of all the blame.

Showing off your ribs and spine will not get you
Your revenge. The black circles just make you look
Aged, and you’re just proving their point. Don’t try
To prove that you’re better than them, because
You’re not. You’re the same. We’re all the same.
You just have to learn to love yourself for who you are.

The difference between a heart and mind
Is that they beat to different tunes.
The heart will tell you to be loving and kind,
But the mind – the ego – can be a shrewd.

You’re often torn because your heart and mind
Are opposites. Your heart desires what the brain
Detests. You cannot please both, so you just make
An informed decision and hope you will not regret
It. But know this – between the head and the heart
Lies equal passion. Trust yourself and never regret.

The difference between your eyes and mine
Is that yours are filled with tears.
Today I may be fine,
But I am soon to face one of my biggest fears.

Living life in fear is not worth it. Yes, bad things
Will happen. But you cannot look for bad things,
Predict them, or assume they will automatically
Happen. Just because things are finally going good,
That does not mean that you must watch your back.
Things are not always too good to be true.

Wounds are permanent. They are never completely healed, they are just temporarily forgotten.

1. read a whole book in one day
2. go as long as i possibly can without drinking a soda
3. grow my hair out all year [get a few trims here and there, but stay away from actual hair cuts]
4. lose as much weight as i desire [not sure how much that is at this point]
5. stay a vegetarian all year
6. eat a veggie sub from subway at least once a week [or as often as i have the money for it]
7. waste as little money as possible at the movie theater [cuz i did the exact opposite in 2009]
8. update my blog at least every other week
9. stay away from the food [drinks are ok though] at mcdonalds, burger king, sonic, kfc, taco bell, and any other fast food, except subway.
10. listen to my mp3 player more
11. keep a 3.5 gpa
12. get more tattoos and piercings
13. use the gym at school
14. stay at work til 4:00 [not 3:56, not 3:57, not 3:58...4:00]
15. quit chewing my fingernails
16. floss my teeth everyday
17. start a savings account
18. get a job without using a temporary aid service
19. read a book i’ve never heard of, watch a movie i’ve never heard of, listen to music i’ve never heard of, just to try something new
20. get more dresses and generally nicer clothing in my wardrobe
21. find a pair of shoes that really does go with everything
22. own a pretty scarf, glove, and beanie hat set
23. write a poem or prose that i am 100% happy with
24. make another playlist for my blog
25. watch every movie a specific actor has been in [choose actor asap]
26. go an entire day thinking only positive thoughts
27. go an entire day without using electricity
28. go to a concert..any concert
29. get all dressed up and look pretty for absolutely no reason
30. make new resolutions all year

what do you think?

p.s. after consideration, i’ve narrowed down #25 to 3 possibilities: shia labeouf [my all time favorite actor], jackie earle haley [became one of my favorites after only one performance] and michael welch [my current movie boyfriend]

Fear takes him over.
He breathes it in and out, sweats it, and shivers to it.
He cannot escape it.
All he can do is cry and shout “Please don’t hurt me! Please!”
But her expression does not change. Her eyes are wide, yet sad. Her mouth droops to a frown. Se looks unhappy, yet apathetic. She stands perfectly still against the window. He turns around. The hands on the other side of the glass are beating and banging, anxious to reach him.
He does not know if they want to hurt him or help him, but he doesn’t want to stick around to find out.
He tries to run, but he is trapped by the invisible chain attached to his ankle, and she is the ball. He does not know how or why she has power over him. There is so much he doesn’t understand, and all he knows to do is beg.
“Please, make them stop! I’ll do anything!”
But again, she acts as though she does not hear him.
He covers his ears and closes his eyes as tight as he can, trying to drown out the shouting from the other side of the window combined with the eerie silence her black eyes scream out.
He screams and screams and screams!
And when he stops, all is quiet.
He turns to see if the hands are gone, and they are. He moves closer to the window, trying to see further in. He sees nothing.
He starts shaking uncontrollably.
“What is going on here!?!” He shouts, still staring into the window, yet seeing nothing but his reflection.
Unexpectedly, he starts to see himself fading away. Starting at the top of his head, he is slowly becoming invisible. When half of his forehead is gone, he turns to the girl. Her black eyes are suddenly red, and he sees that she is sucking him in through them.
“Please, no!” He yells as his eyes are taken away. For an instant, he is glad. The sight of this girl, this porcelain doll, was too frightening for him anymore. But he doesn’t give up. He wants to live, wants to escape. He almost breaks his foot and ankle, yanking at the chain, desperate to get away.
“Nooo! Stop it, please, I—“ And there went his mouth, his chin, his neck…
All was black, all was silent, he was terrified. He aimlessly felt around for anything to grab on to. He felt cold bony fingers lace with his and lead him over to the window.
And when the next visitors of the museum walk by, they stare in awe and wonder at the confusing painting. Why are her eyes black? Why is she smiling so big? Why is there a headless boy banging on the other side of the glass?

She’s dreading work tomorrow. She needs something to take her mind off the annoyances of life. So she grabs the massaging shower head and aims it at the back of her neck. The clear, liquid fire wraps around her neck, almost choking her, until it falls down her chest. It tickles between her breasts, falls some more, and tickles again at her lower stomach. She thinks she’s feeling ok again, so she turns the water off and opens the curtain, letting all the hot and steamy air out, leaving her cold. She wraps a towel around herself, ready to look in the mirror and blow-dry her hair. But as she stands before what should be her reflection, she sees only a blurred version of herself through the fog and “I love you, my wife” written by her husband’s finger.

She skips work to get her hair dyed, and she loves it. So glad she did it. The shade is perfect and makes her skin look paler. It’s exactly what she wants. She takes her needed shower. After wetting her hair, she remembers that she forgot to buy shampoo for colored hair. She almost cries as she soaps her hair with regular-ol-VO5 and watches red water go down the drain as she rinses the soap out. Not wasting time to enjoy the shower, she jumps out to look at her hair, anxious to see how much color she just lost. But again, she cannot see herself through the fog and “You’re beautiful.” So she dries off, gets dressed, and lets her hair dry naturally, not caring what shade it is.

They are attacking each other almost violently in raging love. Clothes are flying as they make their way to the shower. They sweat in the already steaming room, then slowly climb in together. They are wrapped up in each other. Even though the hot water burns, they have to keep their shivering bodies warm. Loofas and hands explore the skin as eyes explore the desires. He rinses himself off and gives her one last kiss before leaving the shower, drying off, and going to bed. She can’t help but be upset, so she quickly rinses herself as well. But when she’s done, she takes the massaging shower head once more, letting the water choke her again. And when she’s done, she turns the water off, steps out of the shower, and looks into the mirror. Between the spaces where the fog exists and where it doesn’t, she can see herself smirk as she reads his message, “Come to bed NOW!”

he found you -
in the tallest tower,
in the highest room,
destined to live
in lonesome, slaved doom -
he found you

he fought for you -
to find the tomb
and be your knight,
to slay the beast
and save your life -
he fought for you

he saved you -
in blood-soaked armor,
sowrd at his side,
dented shield,
tears in his eyes -
he saved you

he loved you -
ran to your rescue
so you could be
his bride and his love
for eternity -
he loved you

In the corner of this empty room.

Trapped behind the locked door.

Numb, motionless, and scared.

Lying flat against the floor.

He’s…

Running, running [stumbling]

Looking and searching and cold.

Brave, determined, and strong.

Destined to save her soul.

She’s…

Standing at the mirror.

Taking in this choking feeling.

Feeling like she’s under water

Or hanging from the ceiling.

He’s…

Rounding those two corners.

Just three blocks away.

Running to his love.

And wondering what to say.

She’s…

Fetal-positioned on the floor –

Empty needle in the sink.

Tightening the belt around her neck.

And starting to feel more and more weak.

He’s…

Dashing into the building.

Running up the stairs.

Sprinting down the hallway.

Thinking “This just isn’t fair.”

She’s…

Breathing more and more slowly.

And choking with each gasp for air.

Slowly drifting away until

She’s unconscious and unaware.

He’s…

Standing at the door.

Waiting to be invited in.

Then stepping back and walking away –

Returning home to mimic his lover’s sin.

DYING ALONE

Crying and screaming.

She was handed to her mother

And welcomed into the world.

One day she crawled

And one day she talked

And one day she walked

But she fell down, and she cried.

But she saw it coming,

So she was ok

She grew with the heat,

Laughing and playing.

She was handed a cake

And welcomed into adolescence.

One day she kissed

And one day she drove

And one day she graduated

But she was scared, and she cried.

But she saw it coming,

So she was ok.

She aged with the leaves,

Wilting and falling.

She was handed time

And welcomed to the end.

One day she slept

And one day she woke

And one day she hurt

But the hurt never stopped, and she cried.

But she saw it coming,

So she was ok.

She died with the warmth,

Calm and peaceful.

She was handed life

And welcomed death.

One day she lived

And one day she breathed

And one day she didn’t

But she wasn’t ready, and she cried.

But she saw it coming,

So she was ok.